Baseball is a Funny Game

I have had over the years many favorite comedians. Red Skelton, Robin Williams, Richard Prior, George Carlin, just to name a few. But there have been some people connected to baseball who I found to be very funny also.

Probably the first I remember was Joe Garagiola. As most of us know, Joe played for the Cardinals and Pirates. He was a decent catcher, but not as good as his neighbor, Yogi Berra.

Joe first came to my attention when he was broadcasting baseball. He was a great story teller, and had so many great stories of his playing days. One he told was about what goes on when there is a meeting on the mound. Lefty Gomez, the Yankee great, was in a bases loaded fix, Frank Crosetti, the Yanks SS, came over and said C’mon Lefty, bear down, the bases are loaded. Gomez replied, I know they’re loaded. Did ya think I thought they gave me an extra infield?

Stuff like that is classic, and something most fans never hear about. Another time, Jocko Conlan was behind the plate. Danny Murtaugh, who was the hitter, worked the count to 3-2. The next pitch was about eye level and Conlan called it a strike. 

Murtaugh barks at Conlon a little and gets the old heave ho. So Danny stops and says to Conlon, Jocko. just look around the infield. Musial, a Pole, at first base, Schoendienst, a Dutchman, at second base, Marion, I don’t even know what he is, and Kurowski, another Pole at third, Pollet, a Frenchman pitching, and look behind the plate, Garagiola, a spaghetti bender. There are only two Irishmen on this field, and you want to throw half of us out! Conlon let him stay in the game.

Garagiola was also good at self-depreciation. “Each year I do not play, I get better. The first year on the banquet trail, I was a former ballplayer. The second year, I was great, the third year one of baseball’s stars, and just last year, I was introduced as one of baseball’s immortals. The older I get, the more I realize that the worst break I had was playing.”

Yogi was also one of the funnier men in the game. His malaprops are classic. But he was also a great hitter, and he is in the Hall for good reason. If I remember right, he is still the record holder for the most World Series appearances.

Some of his best, ” no one goes there anymore, it is too crowded, ninety percent of this game is half mental.  Little league is a good thing, it keeps the parents off of the street. third ain’t so bad if nothing is hit at you”, Think? how the hell are you going to think and hit at the same time?

Yep, Yogi was a classic. So was Casey Stengel. Casey once said to Mickey Mantle, ” sure I played, did you think I was born at age 70 sitting in a dugout and trying to manage guys like you? ”  And one of my personal favorites, after the Mets had won the 69 series, ” they came up slow, but fast.”

Casey once doffed his cap and a bird flew out. He repeated that scene many years later when he was managing. Casey lived out in Glendale. One of the many people in baseball I wish I could have talked to.

And then there was Uecker. If there are funnier people who make as much fun of themselves as Uecker, I have never seen them. When he was released from the Braves, he said they broke it to him gently. ” the manager came up to me and said, we do not allow visitors in the clubhouse”…Pretty gentle.

I also loved his comment, ” the best way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until it stops rolling, and then pick it up. Bob did commercials, and even a TV series called, ” Mr. Belvedere.

And who could ever forget his turn as Harry Doyle in the Major League movies. ” Just a bit outside”  Haywood leads the league in nose hairs” and my favorite, ” he’ll need a rocket up his ass to catch that one, that baby’s outa here.”

Yes, Uecker is a national treasure. He still does Brewer games. Uecker is in the Hall, elected when he received the Ford Frick award. In fact Ueck, Yogi and Joe are all in the hall. And deservedly so.

But there were guys who were not talented players, but made a living performing their routines before so many thousands of fans at ball parks all around the country.

Max Patkin, who was in the movie, Bull Durham, was known as the Clown Prince of baseball. Max hurt his arm and that curtailed his pro career, so he joined the Navy during WWII.

He was pitching in Hawaii in a service game, and he gave up a homer to Joe DiMaggio, in mock anger, Patkin threw down his glove and followed Joe D around the bases. The crowd loved it, and a career was born.

He was hired as a coach for the Indians by Bill Veeck. When Veeck sold the Indians, Patkin began barnstorming all across the US and Canada in minor league parks. He could easily make many shapes with his face, which some thought was made of rubber.

He was tall and skinny, and always wore a baggy uniform with a question mark on the back instead of a number, and his cap was always askew. Patkin estimated he made more than 4000 appearances. On July 20, 1969 he played to a crowd of 4 in Great Falls Montana. Most of the fans were home watching Apollo 11’s moon landing. Between 1944, and 1993, he never missed an appearance.

Al Schacht was another. Schacht actually made it to the majors as a pitcher, but he hurt his arm, and his career was over. He had an uncanny ability to mimic other players. He would wear a battered top hat and tails. Sometimes he would wield a catcher’s mitt that weighed 25 pounds, so big you could fit a full meal in it. He once ate a meal off of home plate.

Schacht was the first Clown Prince of Baseball. He once said, I came into this world very homely, and I haven’t changed a bit since. He was born in Nov of 1892 on the site where Yankee Stadium would eventually stand.

Some of the best quotes from ball players, ” I never threw an illegal pitch, trouble is once in a while I toss one that ain’t never been seen by this generation…Satchel Paige….” the way to make coaches think you are in shape in the spring is to get a tan….Whitey Ford… I never took the game home with me, I always left it in some bar…Bob Lemon.

And former president Gerald Ford had this one, ” I always watch baseball on the radio”. Dick Allen, ” If a horse won’t eat it, I ain’t playing on it. George Will contributed this beauty, “All I remember about my wedding day is that the Cubs lost a double header.”

Charlie Lau, a pretty good hitting coach once opined,” There are two theories on hitting a knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither one of them works”. Actor Humphrey Bogart even had one. ” A hot dog at the game beats a roast beef at the Ritz.”

Another from the indomitable Yogi, “Slump, I ain’t in no slump….I just ain’t hitting”. ” A man once told me I should walk with the Lord; I would rather walk with the bases loaded”…Ken Singleton.

Steve Garvey, who was not really a funny guy had this one ” Lasorda’s standard reply when some new kid would ask directions to the whirlpool was to tell him to stick his foot in a toilet and flush it”. Pure Tommy. Yogi again” So I’m ugly, So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face.”

And our own favorite, Pedro Guererro who once said before every pitch he would pray they didn’t hit the ball to him, and then ask the same for Steve Sax.

Another favorite came from George Will. ” Baseball it is said, is only a game. True, and the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona.” Just a few of the classics. Humor is one of the things that keeps most of us sane.

Jay Johnstone was another character. Jay was famous for his pranks pulled on teammates, and for tormenting Lasorda. He had a #2 Jersey that read Lasagna. He would pretend to make a pitching change and walk out to the mound holding a can of Slim Fast and Tommy’s book.

He locked Lasorda in his room during spring training by tying a rope to a tree outside of Tommy’s door, and removing the speaker from his phone so that no one could hear him. He also stuck a soggy brownie in Steve Garvey’s glove. And he was the master of the hot foot. He also one time took down all of Lasorda’s photos of celebrities that were in his office, and replaced them with pictures of himself, Don Stanhouse, and Jerry Ruess. He did like to keep things loose in the clubhouse, hence his nickname, Moon Man.

I love these kinds of quotes and players. They make the game a lot more fun to watch. Babe Herman once tripled into a double play. Kike and his banana suit. Watching players have fun, makes the game fun.

A few years ago, the Dodgers had a bubble machine in the  dugout, which they would activate when a player hit a homer. MLB told them to get it out of the dugout, but you still saw bubbles after every homer at Dodger Stadium the rest of that season.

Some of us remember Jimmy Piersall well. Jimmy had some well documented mental problems. But he was a very talented ball player. His problems had been portrayed in the movie, “Fear Strikes Out” Based on the book of the same name.

In 1963, Piersall was playing for the Mets, and was a teammate of Duke Snider. Duke hit his 400th homer on June 14, 1963. My 15th birthday. Piersall told Snider that he was going to get more ink when he hit his 100th than Snider got for # 400. Sure enough, a few weeks later Piersall hit # 100. And ran around the bases backwards.

Photos of that still exist. Those are the moments that make this game so great. You do not have to be a superstar to be entertaining. I remember Super Dave Osborne trying a stunt where he was going to stand in front of the plate and take a Dwight Gooden fastball to his cup. I am sure He really regretted that decision.