No Signature For You!

I realize that there are those that are collectors when it comes to baseball memorabilia.  I think most of us that have followed the game for a long time have come to realize that ballplayers are just people.  Normal guys with an extraordinary talent that we all wish we had.  I’m kind of “ho-hum” about having an interest in getting autographs.  I understand that there are those that enjoy the hobby, but to me, it seems a bit ridiculous for a senior adult to be seeking out autographs of players that are young enough to be their grandkid.  I can see why players would sour over the idea of an adult profiting off of their signature.  Then again there are some collectors that are really into the hobby for themselves and will invest thousands of dollars to display their items in a “man cave.”

I have my share of things that I have collected over the years, but not a lot.  Most treasured is probably a Manny Mota cone handled bat that had sentimental value, because my brother and I used the same model bat growing up.  I was able to get Manny to sign it a few years ago and I gave it to my brother on his birthday.  It was a meaningful gift and moment that we both enjoyed 

Then there was the time that my wife arranged for a meetup with Tom Lasorda 22 years ago.  I had no idea how she pulled it off because Lasorda was in his disastrous stint as the acting GM at the time, so he shouldn’t have had the time for us or anybody, (Come to think of it, maybe that’s why his stint as a G.M. was so disastrous.  Yes, you can blame me for the Konerko-Shaw trade.) 

All I know is that she booked tickets to L.A. and had me in the Club Level meeting with Lasorda for photos and a chat before a game.  That was an interesting 10 minutes and he was very engaging with her.  He couldn’t care less about me, but such is life when you have a hottie for a wife.

So I’ll segue with that into Lasorda and autographs. 

At Spring Training every year, Lasorda agrees to sign for fans, but a structure is in place that ensures there is order and not chaos when he does so.  I assume this happens because there can be a real ugly side to autograph seekers.  As he has aged, Lasroda’s patience is wearing thin with them.  He will have a table set up and a line will form for all those that desire to get his signature for free.  That’s pretty generous if you think about it.  He’s under no obligation to sign anything.

So I watched this whole process go down a few years ago and it hit me.  This is the Seinfeld episode when the characters wanted a bowl of soup from the Soup Nazi.  The autograph seekers were following the same process as the soup patrons.  Each risking banishment for not following the rules:

These are the guidelines in place that I recommend you follow if you want to get a Thomas Charles Lasorda autograph, and it is straight out of the Seinfeld “Soup Nazi” episode:

1. Stand in formation, wait your turn.
2. Never cross over the painted line/rope/stanchion (whatever barrier in place) before asking.
3. Do not have an idle conversation with others around and give him your complete and undivided attention
4. DO NOT address him as “Tommy, (he hates that). It’s “Sir” or “Mr. Lasorda.”
5. After he signs, say “Thank you.”  If you don’t, he will remind you about proper manners.
6. Take your autographed item and walk away without conversation.   Don’t look back, don’t make conversation.  You walk away.  Yes, just walk away.

That is the process and any deviation from it could have negative consequences.  If you fail to comply with those rules, it’s “No autograph for you.”  You’re out of the line and you can kiss your HOF signature goodbye.

My brother failed to follow the rules once.  We were on the back fields at Camelback Ranch watching the minor leaguers.  Lasorda was there, hobnobbing with the likes of Steve Yeager, Ramon Martinez, and John Shoemaker as they watched the players do drills.  There was nobody, and I mean no fans watching the minor league drills.  It used to be one of the best-kept secrets of Spring Training baseball at CBR, (not sure if that continues to be the case).  

It appeared that nature called, because Lasorda stepped into the public area to use the restroom, which is situated between the four-diamond practice area.  When he had finished his business and stepped out, my brother approached him for the auto.  Big mistake.  I couldn’t intercede in time.  “Don’t do it!,” I thought.  There was going to be an explosion of epic proportions, I could see it coming:

“J^$*$ C%# !!  Can’t a guy take a p@#$ in peace without being bothered for an autograph?!  Go stand in line if you want one!”

My red-faced brother came back over to me.  “I guess that wasn’t a very good idea.”   Well yeah.  No duh bro….

Tom Lasorda has probably signed more autographs than any Dodger in history.  That might have something to do with his years in the organization.  Also his outgoing personality.  He told the story in his book The Artful Dodger of when he was a boy, he worked for the Nuns at his Parochial School as a crossing guard, knowing that the reward of working all those hours on those cold, snowy days would be a ticket to attend a Phillies game and see major league ballplayers up close for the first time.  The day arrived and he waited at a portal where the players entered and exited.  He approached a player for an autograph, some scrub by the name of Buster Maynard, (a New York Giant), blew him off and told him to take a hike.  The young Lasorda was crushed.  

He wrote about how he got his revenge against him when Maynard’s career was winding down to a close and he was demoted to the minors.  Lasorda was pitching in Greenville, South Carolina in the South Atlantic League.  “I couldn’t believe my luck” he wrote. Up came Maynard to bat against him in the first inning.  Lasorda proceeded to deliver him chin music and eventually plunked him, starting a bench-clearing brawl.  All over getting stiffed for an autograph when he was 12 years old.

Lasorda said then and there that if he ever was in a position to sign for kids, he would never turn them down.  But that’s the thing.  “Sign for kids,” not 60-year-old grown adults.  For the most part, Lasorda has lived by that creed.  He signs and signs, but as he creeps up in age, his patience is running low.  Fact is, he’s really a crotchety old guy now.  Who wouldn’t be at 92 years old?  He has little patience for anything and I’m surprised that he still continues to make public appearances.

I have read the stories.  There are those that have chronicled the rudeness and impatience that Lasorda publicly displays, even when he’s getting paid at autograph shows.  He has little tolerance for what he perceives as rudeness or a lack of respect. I think he is having an issue with his old age, he has had his series of health problems, the Dodger team’s inability to get the brass ring, there’s probably more.

So if you go to CBR for Spring training and you want a Lasorda autograph, follow steps 1 through 6.  My son went through it a few years ago.  He waited patiently in line.  Called him “sir” when his turn arrived.  He even thanked Lasorda for an autographed picture he received in the mail from him when he invited Lasorda to attend his Eagle Scout court of honor several years before.  The old man perked up while signing and said, “did you send me a ‘thank you’ letter when I sent you the photograph?”  “Uh, well, uh no, that’s why I’m thanking you now.”  (Long pause).  “Well, you’re welcome.”  

Step away son…walk away…don’t…say…anything..else.  

He complied…phew!